in a dark living room for two, mingled in the silence, i almost forgot that we had to exist. 

is it true that hell is the void in things that was meant to be vociferous?

whatever your answer is i know it is a lie. hell is a myth. hell is a concept. hell is your reflection on a three am pacing session. hell is everything you could've done and avoid. hell is the carnage you commit on every version of yourself. it doesn't matter. i know it'll return to you somehow. you who take pleasure in watching people fall onto their knees, knowing that it takes an entire lifetime for them to recover from the shame. you who bathe in words of worships and sorts prayer by how desperate it rings into your altar. hell is your sickeningly kind words, dripping into my ears like a honeyed torment. 

did you know how much i bleed and starve just to be here? just to be damned by your stupid hellhounds. i know that a tender hand is never a symbol of hardship. so i let it dried and calloused. i let the wound open for months and months now my hand is just layers of swollen tissues and i send you letters to ask whether my devotion is worthy enough. oh, it's never enough. when you need it to be bad i show up with a ribbon on my head. when you need me to be good i drag my muddy feet across your hall of deity, rotten flesh dripping from my back. it's never enough. a dagger in my chest. it's never enough. a bullet in my head. it's never enough. it's never enough!

i tried everything. what would you do when you know that your birth was cursed by Arae herself? when the angels told you that the heat of hellfire shall inevitably engulfed every living being, but when you look around, you're the only one standing and burning. the pungent taste of deception in your mouth telling you it's no use to try. but you have to try. or else you'll be less of a man. you have to try again and again and again until they lower their heads in pity. 

it's getting tiring down here. to look up and see the beautiful skies i could never reach, not in a thousand lifetimes. i wanted you to be kind. i needed you to be kind. i need you to recognize my bloody tears and lift me up under your warm embrace, like you did with everybody else. it's so suffocating to exist like this. to wonder whether your betrayal was what i deserved or was it what was i am meant for. why did you left me? how could you abandon me like that? why didn't you take me with you? am i not enough? is this not enough for you? you're the one who made me. why did you create something that you'll end up resent? 

i am utterly at loss of everything. what more do you want of me? this is my final begging to be found. i want nothing more. look at me. talk to me. to the most merciful and gracious. to the creator of all creator. this is my final begging to be saved.