i don't know where to begin.

with all my might, trough my gritted teeth, i wanted to plead to you that i don't know where to begin.

maybe i don't want to begin. maybe all i wanted was to embrace this obscurity and just fade into the thin air. to define yourself is to make a lifelong sentence. to fathom self on a conceptual level is like threading your own suicide knot. i was never raised to be the captain of my own vessel. i never knew how to navigate these vast range of devils in me. did you know that they only shut their mouths once i cut myself? in my head i am a lost children of God. in your eyes i found an old chapel longing for its choirs. i find comfort in eluding the world under your ceiling. i found comfort in watching you from the sidelines, prideful with a picket sign and a shirt that you choose. 

for millennia, i have became the prisoner of my own mind. i was an unidentified decedent, waiting for someone to cut trough my body and see how rotten i am inside. i wanted someone to chafe me off of my skin. to work trough every lining of my veins and map the hell-bound labyrinth i created inside my ribs. i remember the look of horror in your eyes when i told you that i want to offer you the honor of stripping me naked and make a judgement out of it. i want you to dissect me. i want you to dice me up and rename every piece you create. i want you to break the chains with your scalpel and let me float like a driftwood in an ocean of unrecognized smoke signals.

you told me that i'm insane for saying the most gruesome things over the dinner table. if you haven't notice, i am insane. not only over the dinner table. i'm insane all over the place. in my parent's bedroom, on your kitchen island, during a sermon, in a busy highway, in my nephew's pink-themed birthday party. i'm the epitome of insanity. in another life i might be the goddess of wisdom. but in this one, i am a descendant of Lyssa. will you still love me for that? i am the greatest thing you can ever own.  i'll forgive you even if you're an arsonist and i'm terrified of fire. i'll be the dog on your feet, barking under your command. i am the greatest thing you can ever own. the only downside to that is just the fact that i am batshit crazy. will you still love me for that? will you?

i have a lot to say as a whore in indisposition. you agreed. or at least you agreed that i was a loud whore. i spoke proudly of all the carnage i have committed. only to preach about morals and the universal value of kindness in a congregation. oh what will become of me? what will become of me? i told you i was sick. trading one prison for another and called it freedom. rummaging trough colony of fire ants for fun. i am sick. or at least i hope i am sick. cause how am i suppose to explain this? this madness in my head. this perpetual desire to commit genocide. this urge to press a dagger deep on my stomach. does it make me sick? wishing that i was sick? i don't know, you tell me. i'm too insane to have any say about myself. tell me. define me. don't say i did a great job surviving. say that i can end this anytime i want. say that you'll let me to never begin.

i gave everything i could, so just let me stay like this and never begin. i was never born for the stage anyway. just let me never begin. just let me never begin. you will be the new religion i worship with my flesh and bones. just let me never begin. just let me never begin. let me lay my body six feet under the ground and never begin. let me be forever nineteen years old and never begin.

let me never begin.

let me never begin.

let me never begin.