oh, where do i start? should i take you to Sid Vicious' deathbed, where misery and self destruction was portrayed as a romantic triumph? or to Giovanni's room, where lust and conventional morality collide over a simple dinner on a Tuesday night? or to the very altar of Heraion, where what you were born for and what you ended up possess betrayed each other in the name of a 'ground-breaking storyline'. well darling, it's just an intricate play of words. if you know me, you'll know half of it doesn't make any sense. 

i would love to call this a journey to enlightenment. cogito, ergo sum, Descartes said and my heart would beg to differ. i think, therefore i bleed. my father should've been more careful about who to preach regarding the concept of free minds. i was seven and already reading Camus' hogwash on whether life is worth living, fidgeting on the dawn of the universe where existence beguiles. learning the concept of infinity and realizing how finite you are. what a waste!

i used to name myself different things; left winged, liberalist, rationalist. i was drowning in different fraternities, constantly feeling like a strange specimen trying to fit in. once i pledge my allegiance in nihilism, but being a radical pessimist was never my forte. i was not bright enough for Frankl's idea of freedom in obtaining meaning, but i would definitely be a disappointment to Jacobi's level of cynicism. it's like i have no where to go, really.

at some point, i tried to find love. i watch people on the street, observing them through windows of apartments. i attended parties, i sell myself out. i remember being so careless in my disposition and ended up leading myself into the depth of hell. you know when your heart breaks and its shards explode in your ribs? hurts like fuck. but i learned a lot too. i learned how haunting a person can be, how easily you surrender in their presence, how quick you lost your line between love and blind devotion.

soon enough, i decide that human relation was not for me. it's not like i don't want it. i have come to a conclusion that i could never be wanted in any way. crushed my pride, but oh well! it's not the end of the world! we are born for loneliness. what is life if not a series of perpetual hellos and goodbyes. we should learn how to find comfort in our own company. there are numerous ways in which God can make us lonely and lead us back to ourselves. i resort to many things before i decided to take that path. some of them are easily fixed, the others are quite irreversible. it's not like i regret it. life's too long!

nowadays i often think of myself as a fence-sitter. a hypocrite, some may say. i like to hide behind an unjustified justification; isn't that what makes me human? i changed rules, names, stories, to keep life to my own benefit. you'd say i have lost my integrity, but we all need to survive. you see, everyone is walking somewhere, and in that journey you are bound to hurt. you are bound to commit both mortal and venial sins. you are bound to betray God and its creations. the universality of it seems to bring comfort to me. i might be perceived a sadist to find solace in the reality of collective suffering. but well, anyone can believe what they want to believe. it's a free world!

and in the name of that freedom my darling, i would continue this years of  pilgrimage. i'm heading to a field, out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, where peaceful encounters was promised. i'd love to kiss my mother goodbye but i've broke her heart enough. it's a wrap! for now. i am a free man! for life. suffering is cyclical! for sure. i'll be off my friend. so long! so long!

so long!

i'll see you on the other side!