from your sapphire necklace to the birthmark on your ankle. i remember all the songs, paintings, books. i remember the night where you taught me how to smoke without spilling my lungs out. i remember the days we spent in the back of the class where you would trace the constellations on my wrist. i remember your twentieth birthday where we watched a firework show on an empty rooftop. i remember everything given to us and everything we cunningly stole for ourselves. 

i remember dying to know you. all i wanted was to map someone's heart and have them decode mine. but even after an eternity of talking, crying, kissing, there's just too much to unravel. i never get to see the burnt marks your dad left on your shoulder. i never get to ask about his new wife's name, or where he lives now. what i did saw was your empty eyes, recalling all the times you had to bleed yourself, waiting for his call on your birthday. another puff of smoke. i think i'd still cry on his funeral. my hands on your thigh. that's so stupid.

oh well, mistakes happen when we are young. when we handle things with fire and ice. when we keep turning fiction to frictions. as much as i wish i wasn't so unwise, you know that it was inevitable. i was Achilles, leading his most beloved to hell. my pride pierce through your skin like an arrow, spreading toxin that clog your veins and corrode your nerve system. i watch as you march to a perpetual circle of unanswered calls and slammed doors, all for the sake of saving face. you fucking asshole. i know, i'm sorry.

i'm sorry it went down like this. i'm sorry for punching you on your weakest parts, leaving you gasping for air as i took my position on the stage. well, maybe it is for the better. my love would have consumed you whole. your name would never survive my lips. we can't continue carrying each other like this. one call from you and i'll drive one hundred and thirty kilometers just to sweep the sweat out of your forehead. one call from me and you'll take the deadliest bullet straight to your limb. it's never right. it was never a mortal nor venial sin, but it was never a love as well. 

i think about you on Octobers and dream about you until new years eve. i saw our shadows on the grocery lines. i smell your scent on my morning coffee. i feel your touch on the sweaters you left. i listen to him playing his guitar and all i can picture is your Tiffany ring. I kept a picture of you on my wallet. i lay awake at night. do you see how much you haunted me? you consume my waking days and there's nothing i can do about it. i would be on my knees, wailing for your forgiveness but i know better than to stick my dagger even deeper. 

my only hope is that you know what was in my heart as i went under. in another life, i would love to have that Christmas with you. we'll sing "Silent Night" together wearing the white blouse you swore would never touch. we'll have to hold our giggle when the hot priest tell us how sacrilegious the path we're taking is. when we get back, we'll drunk call your dad and tell him to fuck himself. i will kiss your scars and tell you how beautiful you look under the moonlight. the city will be ours to leave. 

the world will be ours to conquer. 

merry Christmas, i'm sorry