pretty lips, pretty eyes. i always feel like we were never there wholeheartedly.
even during those days when we were still in love. writing long notes and passing them in secrecy. during those lunch breaks when you would lead me through those empty hallways with your hand burning in mine. spelling the same words over and over again. even when we still had that magic in our eyes, i always feel like we were never there wholeheartedly.
you were everything that i ever wanted. a companion. a source of solace. you were the purest of drugs. the ones that i became immediately dependent on. just a single smile and my brain were set ablaze. that fire spread throughout my body in a way i didn't even think was possible. i was so euphoric, i couldn't really tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore. and even in that small, fleeting moment, i knew i'd live (and die) for that moment. for you.
but maybe this is what it's supposed to feel like; a crime. all the adrenaline rush, all the hide and seek games, all the stolen glances; all the things we did, just to keep them blind. trying to restrain ourselves from even whispering about the fireworks in our hearts. because what if the walls and the windows and even the tiniest atoms around us have ears and have the ferocity to laugh at it and spread it to the whole world to listen?
seventeen years old, we were so young and yet so afraid to love. we couldn't help it. in this place, the idea of 'us' was way too optimistic. it was so wrong. that idea momentarily sparks just because we were there to burn ourselves. just because we were there to hold each other through the flames. it was supposed to be you and me against the world. now that you left一well i don't think this is that kind of war you can win yourself.
did our soulmate bruise scare you too? did what we had kept you awake at night?
cause i could feel your fear starts to grow past your love. i noticed all the sudden shift in gestures. i could hear the voice change. i knew it was coming but what am i supposed to do? i was as hesitant. trembling under the thought of us actually breaking down, but then again, we couldn't really afford anything more without putting ourselves on the line.
listen, this is what i was afraid of. what happened to being okay and staying friends until the very end? you were still a welcome relief from the burning world outside this wall. your voice still brings comfort to my heart. the drawings you left, your scent on my shirts; all the traces that you left upon my body and soul still suffocate me.
i know that we're done. that version of us is drifting further and further away. i was never the best at letting go and you knew it by heart. i need closure, or else i'm going to live the rest of my life like this. constantly searching for your face in every crowd. haunted by the sound of our laughter from that evening on your 19th birthday.
so take my hand for the last time. look me in the eye and tell me that this is not the end. that what we had was real. tell me that as the world moves on, you'll always remember us this way; two kinetic souls against a sky of falling gradient hues.
that way maybe i can let you go without having to rip my heart apart. that way maybe even after all the hell we've been through, we can face the reinvention. that way maybe, just maybe, we can fall in love again.
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